The international community breathed a collective sigh of relief to discover that the recent military posturing by North Korea was all part of an elaborate courtship ritual. Despite his marriage to Ri Sol-ju last year, the Supreme Leader has been participating in an elaborate avian breeding programme.
On Friday, North Korean state broadcasters announced in a uniform manner: "Worried that the Crested Shelduck will die out, our beloved leader has taken it upon himself to repopulate the species". U.N. observers have suggested that it will also allow Kim Jong-un to sate his own fetish for being tickled with a feather.
Feared at one stage to be extinct, the female Crested Shelduck will only respond to excessive aggression. In turn, the male of the species is renowned for its
enormous sex organs; spiralling often the length of its entire body. "Given the duck's amorous demands," explained a North Korean spokeswoman with a fixed grin. "Only one man has the vigour and girth to cope with such a bird.
On 7 March 2013, North Korea threatened the United States with a "pre-emptive nuclear attack" but it is now understood that this was an attempt to lure the female ducks to their mountainous breeding ground. Further short-range missiles tests, were simply a method of inducing a sexual frenzy in the green-tufted creature.
It has been rumoured that Kim Jong-un has received plastic surgery in order to mimic the male Crested Shelduck. State television reports that his previous meeting with ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman, who is famed for his colourful plumage, was an unsuccessful attempt to "simulate the mating ritual....but all North Koreans are confident in our Leaders future success. Long Live General Kim Jong-un, the Shining Sun! Death to the capitalist pig, Bill Oddie!"