Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered, giant robots, according to a review commissioned by the Government.
Following seven months of careful research, Sir Ken Knight has said that flying robots with lasers and freeze-rays were likely to be more effective than the puffed-out, heavy-drinking, under-paid schmucks we currently rely on to save our bacon when we fall asleep in front of Corrie with a fag in our hand.
He said: "Quite frankly, I wouldn't give you tuppence for the lot of them, let alone the tens of millions of pounds we spend each and every year getting these daft buggers to run around ensuring that bewildered old dears and drug abusers on council estates can be around to drain the state's coffers for a bit longer."
The review proposes two models, the first based on a team of lovable, yet formidable robots housed in a spectacular cliff-side HQ. These fire-fighting robots would detect emergencies with a super-sense, saving millions in call centre services.
The second model requires a single, less mobile robot, several miles high, keeping watch over the citizens of England.
Prime Minister David Cameron has praised the review for its cost-efficiencies and colourful, imaginitive drawings.