British Prime Minister David Cameron held an emergency meeting at Downing Street today to address startling statistics that show a dwindling numbers of teens and young adults who turn to recreational drug use as a way of passing time.
Fighting back tears, the PM announced:
“Illicit drug use in Britain is on a downward curve. Only 19% of 16-24 year-olds have used an illegal substance in the last year. These findings are very disappointing. I remember back when I was 24. Ecstasy pills had just become big on the underground rave scene - it was like a welcomed slap-in-the-face with a hot, wet, lemon scented hand towel.” Cameron paused to hold back the flow of tears: “It was magical.”
Cameron noted that during his youth, 19% of 16-24 year olds were regularly “sparking up fat ones,” “getting a cheeky gram of coke to help them through lectures,” or, as Cameron put it, “just eagerly awaiting the weekend so they could get a nice hit of E.” Cameron fondly reminisced: “This was back when it was good!”
“A tenner a pill would blow your tits off. We would be up all night in a barn in the middle of nowhere, dancing amongst the rays of lights – with our tops off and without a care in the world.”
Cameron is saddened how over four- fifths of UK’s youth now waste their weekends drinking warm beer and watching Britain’s Got Talent – instead of being out at a club, chewing the inside of their own faces, and forming bonds with people they would normally consider “massive wankers.”
The PM then went silent for a few moments before biting his fist and screaming at people to: “Get out of the room! I need time to think about Britain’s future.” After twenty-or-so minutes, the PM had pulled himself together enough to invite the press back in the to give the following final statement:
“We can only pray for our country that these young adults lied during the survey for fear of getting into trouble, or worse, grounded for a week. May God help us all”
Mr. Cameron then ran to his bedroom and turned off his phone.