Having identifying that there is a "crisis of masculinity in Britain" due to the pressures that rapid economic and social change have placed on masculine identity, shadow health minister Diane Abbott is to grow a penis.
In a speech on Thursday, Ms Abbott will warn that a generation of men are "in transit and unclear of their social role" and 'as a woman looking-in' growing a large appendage and experiencing what they experience is the only way to solve the issue. "Growing a meat and two veg will be better equip me to share men's pain."
"Men are also under pressure to live up to "pornified ideals", with Viagra becoming a party drug," said the MP in a recent interview with Country Living, "I want to explore what else one can do with an erection besides unleashing it on unsuspecting females. With this in mind I've recruited Delia Smith and Mary Portas to my research panel. Delia for her knowledge of locker-room japes and Mary for her dildo expertise."
She will urge more action to help boys see a "less narrow view of masculinity" by enforced doll playing, competitive knitting circles and cat walk parades in the school playground. "Short of castration this seems the only way forward."
She also stressed that the problems men and boys face are not receiving sufficient attention because - "like the film Fight Club - the first rule of being a man in modern Britain is that you're not allowed to talk about it." A view which has been challenged by Peter Stringfellow who retaliated that the reason women get the attention they get is that "Like the film Deep Throat the first rule of being a woman is speaking over everyone else, even with your mouth full".
Ms Abbot is as yet undecided about the length and girth of her new member adding that penis size is yet another cause of common psychological disorders in men. "I hope to discover the reasons behind depression and anxiety which are diagnosed in men by hanging around a few locker rooms and standing at a urinal where I'll hopefully learn to pee next to a complete stranger without drying up. Only then will I be able to get beneath the skin of the problem."
Ms Abbott is also hoping to learn if there is a direct link between penis size and levels of misogyny and homophobia. To tackle this "masculinity crisis" she will take on the role of honorary male to explore conversations between fathers and sons and their friends on the football pitch, in the local pub and during editions of Take Me Out. "Having a penis will put me on a level playing field with them and I'm sure there'll be a large amount of give and take. I am sure I can talk a lot of balls if pushed."
I am really looking forward to having a knob as it will help me establish a more "multi-faceted notion of what makes a man", in a way that possessing a mere vagina could never achieve," said the Labour MP.