In news that will please all gill-bearing aquatic craniate, the UK claims a “breakthrough” in getting the EU to stop callously “dumping” their ectothermic girlfriends. UK Ministers have called for a more sensitive “it’s not you, it’s me” approach.
One dumped pelagic fish spoke of her anguish: “To begin with it was very passionate; we grilled, we boiled, we baked…there was even some casserole action. Often he’d just drizzle honey all over me and we’d spit-roast until the early hours. But then he changed, he became cold and impersonal. Suddenly I was ‘too thin’, ‘too young’ or I didn’t look good in ‘fishnets’”
The European parliament is under pressure from green activists who want hard biomass targets and “none of that refusing to kiss in public malarkey”. Reports of herrings being dumped via text and email are still widespread in Spanish waters.
Fisheries minister Richard Benyon said: “The EU has a long history of bad breakups – which have formed the basis for a Taylor Swift’s next EP. Just because fish have ‘Daddy issues’, does not give the EU the right to dump them in front of their friends. The idea that there are plenty more fish in the sea, is insulting to all marine life.”