US scientists claim to have found evidence that proves Mars not only had a thriving eco-system of rivers and lakes, but that the weather was probably abysmal.
Jay McAndliss, a researcher, says: “It would have been not unlike Stockport, although we think primitive bacteria and single cell organisms might have been significantly more advanced on Mars.”
British climate scientist, Malcolm Hargreaves, agrees, “If these new findings are correct then there would have been torrential rain, dark skies and fierce winds whipping across the planet all day. Life on Mars would have been nasty, brutish, short and probably Northern. Even if you weren't from there you would have thought it was bloody awful.”
Dr Louise Margolis, research scientist at the Planetary Science Institute in Tucson adds, “It is likely that if Mars had been visited by alien beings billions of years ago they would have found it quite dull and depressing, with nothing to do. This is probably why we can’t find any evidence of their presence, even on a weekend break. Depending on how many eyes they had, most would have given it one look and thought, sod it let’s try Saturn.”
McAndliss adds, “If Martians existed they would have to have been about 5ft tall with large protective hoods covering their small shrunken faces. Their diet would have consisted largely of carbohydrates and they would have had a tendancy to be quite morose. Not surprising, considering it was always pissing down."
The geological mapping project also found evidence of what could be ancient prams and supermarket trolleys in a region known as Hellas Mancuni, suggesting a large canal once stood there. Researchers say they might have been thrown in as long ago as 4.5 billion years.
Malcolm Hargreaves, concludes, "Suddenly, without warning there was an unprecedented climactic change, and Mars noxious atmosphere boiled away into space. The planet was scorched by solar radiation and the rivers turned to desert. The poor deluded Martains would have thought things were looking up. No-one can be certain how like us those Martains were, but I'm sure as their planet roasted around them, their final thought was, oh well let’s make the best of the sunshine while it lasts.”