Dan Brown's new book, Infernally Bad, has been scorned, mocked and pilloried by eveyone in the entire world.
'It's awful!' declared one reviewer. 'Absolute rubbish! In fact, it's so appalling I won't even read it.'
The other 7 billion people on the planet said they agreed with him.
It is a matter of absolute faith that chopping down enough trees to cover Canada to print it, and shipping lorry loads of the thing all over the world, is a complete waste of time.
When asked to explain how it has sold out globally, the reviewer said: 'The publishers are secretly throwing away all the copies. Absolutely no-one is buying it. No-one at all.'