A leading independent school in Wales has decided to ban certain rugby matches due to new research from the University of Llyfe, which shows that getting hit by other people wearing skin-tight lycra and studded boots can cause mild symptoms of what doctors call "pain".
The Head of Jesus H. College, Miss Ingdepointt said, "This research shows that not only does rugby hurt, but certain games hurt significantly more, mainly the ones you lose. We have reached the sad but inevitable conclusion that all rugby matches which we are unlikely to win are therefore inherently unsafe and regrettably must be banned."
The first casualty of this decision will be the historic 500 year old 1st XV fixture against local rival Llandofmyfathus College, which in recent years has focused exclusively on rugby, at the cost of almost everything else.
"It’s not easy to be this dedicated to rugby," claimed Llandofmyfathus Head Coach, Dai Trying, "even if we are Welsh. We have to be absolutely single-minded in our mission. Last week I heard rumours of 2 students gaining entry to Oxbridge, which is totally against College policy and you can expect citings and drinking fines of the toughest order to follow. Similarly, there have been stories of some pupils with long hair wearing make-up and skirts. I expect it’s only the colts back-rowers having a laugh, but you can’t be too careful."
Asked about the prospectîve loss of the world’s oldest sporting fixture, Trying said, "It’s a shame, but we’ll get over it. Last year we had to deal with a major crisis in changing the College motto from "Crouch, Touch, Pause, Engage" to "Crouch, Touch, Set", in line with IRB regulations. We survived that, so I’m sure we’ll get through this too."
On whether other sports would be affected at Jesus H. College, Miss Ingdepointt commented, "There’s nothing in the research that indicates any dangers at all associated with other sports, especially those involving large wooden sticks, which coincidentally we happen to be quite good at and for which we offer numerous scholarships – all applicants welcome, especially those from St. Trinians."