Following on from his unprecedented run of success in accurately predicting what this nation needs, the Secretary of State will reveal the winning lottery numbers a WHOLE week before they are selected.
Mr. Gove, or "Madam Za Za" as he refers to himself, has long been heralded as being the man/woman with his/her finger on the pulse of the body politic. The Prime Minister frequently allows Mr. Gove to interrupt cabinet meetings with a mix of astrology, palmistry and a healthy dollop of feng shui.
Even Derren Brown has been left mystified by Gove's infallible forecasts. Recent ones that have helped bankrupt Ladbrokes are:
• All parents would prefer their children to put the Medieval Monarchs in alphabetical order, rather than actually be able to read the alphabet
• Even without qualified staff, calling a failing school an Academy instantly improves it.
• All under-resourced schools need is one really, really new copy of the Bible to offset their lack of text books.
• All teenage girls want to read Middlemarch, not the Twilight saga.
He told the BBC's Andrew Marr show: "Looking at these tea leaves I can say with 100% certainty that we should leave the EU. It would be completely safe to exit right now. For goodness sake, it's not as if in the last century 80,000,0000 people lost their lives as two world wars erupted in a destabilized Europe! Pish and nonsense! What kind of history have you been studying?"
Mr. Gove went on to reveal that his favoured method of prediction, although a little archaic, was alectromancy; the observation of a rooster pecking at grain. Coalition policy is now firmly determined by Mr.Gove's magnificent cock. "In the right hands," said Mr. Gove, stroking his crystal ball. "My cock will see this nation right!"