Family and friends of the late Emile Jones have publicly bemoaned the fact that he didn’t have the decency to die while he was doing something he loved or even vaguely enjoyed.
At a church service in his memory, vicar Michael Patrick told the congregation that it’s usually a source of some condolence to know that a person died doing the thing they loved the most, but as everyone in the close-knit local community already knew first hand from Emile Jones, he had strong feelings of hatred towards his job clearing a blocked sewage outlet, and towards the Establishment in general and the Community Service programme in particular. ‘It wasn’t even Christmas Eve,’ added the vicar, poignantly.
Speaking from the pulpit, the dead man’s sister, Tammy, said it would have been lovely if Emile could have died ‘with his headphones on, listening to some dub and smoking a big fat spliff like he was doing when they arrested him,’ rather than suffocate to death, trapped in the lethal atmosphere of a stinking sewage hole. He told me himself he fucking hated it down there, if you’ll excuse my French, vicar.’