Shock waves ran through Wall Street today sending a panic amongst even the most experienced investors, as news emerged that Buttercup - the first female chimp to sit behind the big curtain on the New York Stock exchange trading floor and press random buttons to control share prices - has died. The death of the previous chimp in 2008 Groucho, a 23 year old chimpanzee released from a laboratory in Nevada, caused the Global Financial Crisis.
With no substitute chimp, due to lack of federal funding, US president Obama broke off his engagements involving the Syrian conflict to assign renowned investor Warren Buffet to lead SEAL Team 6, now bored after doing lots of stuff other than killing people, to the Congo to hunt down a replacement. Attempts at buying one from a pet store have become problematic due to the Democratic Ethics Committee describing purchasing chimpanzees as a ‘slight on animal sales.’
Mark Pye, a Wall Street analyst, paid tribute. ‘While Buttercup’s tenure was short, it was a breakthrough for equality that she became the first female chimp to sit behind that big curtain and press random buttons to control share prices. It is now vitally important that a chimp is found quickly to prevent the catastrophe of 2008 repeating itself. If we do find ourselves back to those dark days, the President will have some explaining to do why as to why no back up chimp was in place.
In response to the news, the Dow Jones was down 9% the NYSE fell an incredible 14%