Today’s Queen’s Speech signaled a radical overhaul of the GCSE system in light of the recent discovery that the Tsetse fly has been spreading “sleeping sickness” amongst pupils.
Boston College has revealed that sleep deprivation is a significant “hidden factor” in lowering achievement. This follows on from the equally astounding conclusions that “ill health, pregnancy, truancy, bad teaching, abandonment and even clinical brain death” also disrupts learning.
“Who’d have thought it?” exclaimed Chad Minnich, of the TIMSS and PIRLS International Study Center. “It’s easy to say with the benefit of hindsight that this was blindingly obvious – but it has taken us four years of research to link a lack of sleep to under- achievement. Yes, we could have spent the time finding a cure for cancer or landing a man on mars, but it’s far easier just to watch teenagers snooze.”
Students from the UK are some of the world’s most sleep-deprived youngsters. Asked why they were so sure the Tsetse is the cause of the sleeplessness, Mr. Minnich explained: “The symptoms match. The infection disrupts the sleep cycle, creating a fragmented 24-hour rhythm of the sleep-wake cycle – much like playing Call of Duty on the Xbox”
There is now also a sneaking suspicion among U.S. scientists that shooting school children may (- contrary to original NRA research) actually hinder academic progress. “It’s a complete mind-f**k, I know,” beamed Mr. Minnich. “It raises all sorts of interesting new questions- are there other detrimental effects we can simulate? Do kids need sunlight, food, water….air? We could bury them for a week and see if it affects their SATs. What d’ya think? Cool, huh?”