“Don’t get me wrong he ain’t racist or nuffink, but people who don’t belong here are gonna find it no fun next year what wiv hospitals refusing to give em so much as a painkiller unless they cough up some dosh. An also he says, like landlords, they’re gonna have to check everyone’s credentials an if people look a bit foreign or have funny names, well, they don get nowhere to live, cos the landlord’ll like turn em away or shop em to the filth." an elderly woman said today, speaking on behalf of a middle aged man.
"I dunno why it’s always me what has to be the one wiv the bad news, I don’ make this stuff up, he does, but for some reason it sounds better from me cos if I say it I don’ get heckled so much what wiv bein a old lady an that. Actually he don’t want me to say much this time, for some reason. Fuck nose why."
The elderly lady, from London, continued: "Coupla weeks ago he was banging on about changing the packs on fags, so it don’t say Malboro Lite or whatever, its jus got an advert for lung cancer on. But he ain’t done that, for some reason. Possibly that Nigel bloke’s got summing to do wiv that. Bloody Nigel. An I thought we were all gonna decide whether Scotland was like a real country or just England but wiv people talkin funny an different fivers. ‘Parrently not. Probly forgot. Same wiv Europe. An I’m the old one, not ‘im!"
The woman (87) concluded: "Yeah but I’m not allowed to go to coconut land, am I? Oh no, cos I’m too old, see? Nuffink to do wiv the fact that I’m not sposed to be seen wiv them geezers cos of like the extreme violence they dun. Oh no. I can't go cos they say it's like a long hall to the plane, one of them tunnel fings. THas wot they're blaming. I said they could like drive me up to the plane but oh no."
"Anyway, I’m not too old to do the bad news bit about giving imigrants worse hell than if Nigel was doing the talkin’! Am I? Oh no. KNow what? I’m gonna make Charlie do it nex time. I made sure he come wiv today so he can see how to do it. Ain't hard, an I reckon people know it's not really me doin the talkin. So Chas, step up mate. I’ve seen them Dutch lot. You know the score."