World markets have seen share prices rise following reports that the Grammy-winning singer, Lauryn Hill, has managed to write off $1.8m (£1.2m) tax bill as the cost of being “a child of former slaves”.
This novel interpretation of tax law can now open the tax-rebate floodgates. Other high profile evaders have been quick to establish links to disenfranchised family members. A spokesman for Ernst & Young said: “Given that Ms. Hill is happy to jump back several generations, Jimmy Carr is already a shoe in for the potato famine. Gary Barlow’s Anglo-Saxon family were exploited by the invading Normans. Harry Redknapp is descended from Roman gladiators. While Kerry Katona’s family were Neanderthals ...sorry…that should read ARE Neanderthals. ”
Ironically US Federal income tax was first introduced to bankroll the Civil War that helped free the slaves, but that has not stopped Ms.Hill telling the New Jersey court: "I had an economic system imposed on me." Her own mother, Valerie, was left slightly bemused by the claim: “I’m not sure who she’s calling a slave. I was a high school teacher and my husband, Mal, was a computer programmer, we weren’t exactly picking cotton!”
University educated, Hill has been “on hiatus” since 2008, spending much of that time watching re-runs of the seminal TV series “Roots”. Sadly since Ms. Hill has established that tax liability is inherited, none of her five recently bankrupted children are eligible for welfare handouts given they are the offspring of multi-millionaires.
Global brands currently being pursued by HMRC will also no longer be liable for tax. Amazon intends to blame their initial evasion on the plight of the indigenous peoples of the rainforests. Google have traced their lineage back to a damaged ZX spectrum from 1982. RBS are said to be in talks with the makers of “Who do you think you are?” about finding a long lost abacus they can blame their woes on.