Details of a new formal residence for Her Majesty the Queen have been released today in a statement made by heir apparent, the Prince of Wales.
According to Prince Charles, the Queen will shortly be moved into a small, self-contained extension on the side of Buckingham Palace, to be colloquially known as 'the granny annexe', claiming that his 84-year-old mother needs smaller accommodation 'as she's getting on a bit now'.
The construction of the single-storey garage with up-and-over door was completed in late 2009 and, at the behest of the Prince, was converted into habitable space earlier this year. It provides the Queen with every domestic convenience she could need, including a single-size four-poster bedroom with knight-storage and an en-suite WC with complimentary Privy Counsellor.
A cosy front room with views across the gravelled forecourt, coal-effect electric fire, travel kettle, two-slice toaster and small microwave oven with grill complete the luxurious accommodation.
Prince Charles has scoffed at suggestions that the move step takes him one step closer to 'bumping the Queen off'. 'I am in no way trying to fatally injure my mother in any manner of fiendish and despicable ways,' he said with a maniacal laugh.
'Camilla's little accident last year was not a case of mistaken identity,' he said. 'I have not placed any hidden roller skates around the palace, my knife-throwing course has been cancelled and the Royal Corgis have absolutely not been trained to attack the smell of stale urine.'
He was at pains to point out the 'thoughtful, life-saving touches' that he has implemented in the new property, such as the panic buttons 'conveniently located at ceiling height', and the small smoke detector installed outside the front door, next to the porch light, 'so that staff can hear the annoying 'plip' noise when the battery needs changing'.
The Prince has said that he plans to give the Queen a moving-in gift of furry-soled slippers, and has ordered that the kitchen and bathroom lino floors be specially buffed to a mirror-shine 'as befits royalty'.
'I can also assure all of Her Majesty's subjects that the electrics are completely safe, despite the exposed wiring and proximity to an un-terminated gas supply pipe,' said the Prince, 'and that, in the event of any emergency, the keys to access the specially-designed deadlocked front door can be easily obtained by applying in writing to my secretary, allowing up to two business days for delivery.'
A suspicious Queen has reportedly asked for confirmation that building regulations were adhered to. Westminster City Council have publicly distanced themselves, however, stating that basic regulatory compliance has never included checks for booby traps or hidden incendiary devices.
[WITH THANKS TO JP1885]