Lecturers and teachers have voted unanimously for a shorter Michael Gove at their Spring Conference, after the Education Secretary told them their holidays were too long.
“One of the factors around Mr Gove’s false sense of superiority is his height”, Mike Smytherington told the NUT conference. “We think a shorter Education secretary could be more efficient, energy saving and he would also leave a smaller carbon footprint.” Unions would not be drawn about the exact changes they would make to the proposed new Gove. One history teacher reminded the conference that if Gove were too reduced in stature, he might, like Napoleon and later Nicholas Sarkozy, overcompensate with an inappropriately attractive girlfriend, increasing Gove’s popularity in inverse proportion to his competence.
Whitehall sources dismissed the idea of a girlfriend but it’s understood there has been interest in the creation of a tiny “nanogove”, barely visible to the naked eye. “This would mean he could make secret inspections of schools and hide in staffroom bins and secrete himself in school dinners to assess their nutritional standards,” said one source close to the Education Secretary. It’s understood Downing Street is already experimenting with an enormous magnifying glass over Mr Gove’s chair in the Cabinet room.
However an official from the Department for Education dismissed these ideas as “fanciful”. However this week Mr Gove has been conspicuous by his absence, prompting speculation that he may well have fallen into his secretary’s coffee and been swallowed.