New Scientist Magazine will this week include a Survival guide of vague footballing observations to be used by ordinary people not enraptured by the thought of hundreds of millionaires running about a bit.
The aim of the book is to allow non-football fans to go about their business with the skills to interact with others without being treated like a paedo, just beacuse they aren't obsessed with soccer related happenings in South Africa.
The phrasebook will be cunningly disguised as a World Cup colour supplement like those included in every newspaper for the last 3 months.
Some excerts from the survival guide.
Learn the names of a few of the more prominent players in the tournament and insert these if you feel brave enough.
"Oh, what was happening with that defense. You could have driven a bus through there!"
"This new ball seems to be causing problems" - Stop at this point. Do not carry on to explain exactly how the new ball works going into detail about coefficients of friction.
During a game (if you happen to unavoidably find yourself somewhere it is being shown)
"He's got a lovely first touch"
"That referee needs to start watching this game"
'The important thing is to watch those around you and if they cheer, you cheer. By mimicking the behaviour of the indigenous fans you will gain their trust and be accepted into the tribe.'
'If you are a motorist, attach an England flag to your window. If you are lacking in confidence add more. In this situation it has been proven that you can't have too many and you don't have to worry about removing them. Some of our researchers have spotted car flags still attached that are dating back as far as France 98'