Eton College, the world's most famous public school since 1440, is to change it's name to The Slough Academy. Announcing the move at today's assembly, headmaster Anthony Trevelyan told boys the hour had come for Eton to change its spots and face the future with a brand new image.
“We have listened to the people” declared Trevelyan as he proudly reeled off the list of 19 Prime Ministers thus far produced by the college. He then gravely told his boys that subtle changes were necessary: "If, as your parents expect, one or more of you young gentlemen is to go forth and become the twentieth and twenty-first Prime Minister of our great land.”
Trevelyan explained that an Eton old boy, a certain DWD Cameron, had rather queered the pitch and buggered-up the wicket by getting nobbled playing the Wall Game in the corridors of 10 Downing Street. “It's what the bastard oppo call cronyism,” said the headmaster. Idiotic Cameron it turns out, now 46 years old and of an age when he should know better, has been caught red-handed with his trousers down, dishing out plum jobs to all his old school chums.
“Sad to say, dear old Eton College has gone toxic,” said Trevelyan. “The plebs are now accusing us of unfair play: not giving others a chance; hogging the trough; bagging the top dosh and scoffing all the sausages. So it's time to fight back."
From the start of next term in September, we shall be calling ourselves The Slough Academy. Other changes will include school uniform. Out will go morning coats and striped trousers. To be replaced by hoodies in various house colours, scruffy trainers and jeans. "I'm also pleased to announce that Mr Wayne Skeggs, from Peckam Comprehensive will be joining our staff as Head of Elocution," said the headmaster.
"Fees will remain at £32,000 per year but parents have been advised these will only be payable in used notes via Mr Samuels at the tuck shop (back door – knock three times). Otherwise everything at the Slough Academy will be free at the point of delivery - excluding boat club membership and geography lessons with matron.”