Controllers at the European Space Agency's (Esa) have been left baffled by distorted images of UKIP finding their way on to media sites. This lesser known satellite orbiting the Tory cluster, is normally barely visible in the political firmament.
Micha Schmidt, the Herschel spacecraft operations manager, said: "When reports reached us our first reaction was the British Press have got their numbers wrong ." Indeed, upon closer inspection Mr. Schmidt's team realised that the billion-euro Herschel observatory had run out of the liquid helium causing significant errors in scaling.
The ESA were initially bemused by the press hyperbole but became alarmed as the UKIP stories continued: "We kept saying, put this into some kind of perspective," explained Mr. Schmidt, becoming increasingly flustered. "UKIP polled a similar number of registered voters as Ashleigh & Pudsey. That's a dog. A dancing dog. While it is a cause for concern that some voters cannot distinguish between species in a talent competition; in terms percentage of population it is really very small."
Media outlets have likened UKIP to a political supernova, eclipsing all the others. "It's a branding issue," said one media consultant. "UKIP we equate with Freedom Loving Nationalism. Whereas the phrase Conservative suggests small portions, Labour hard work and Liberal sounds like an invitation to go dogging. As for Green -who votes for a colour?"
In response, Mr Schmidt started shaking his head violently. "No, no. The telescope is too warm. It was originally launched in 2009 to study the birth of stars and the evolution of galaxies, not the limitless void between Nigel Farage's ears! Half the UK electorate would have to develop sustained narcolepsy on polling day for UKIP to get a working majority at the next General Election. So unless UKIP are stock-piling Rohypnol you have nothing to worry about!"
Reporters reminded Mr Schmidt that Nigel Farage had hailed gains in council elections across England as "remarkable" putting his party in a "very strong position". "He's wrong!" screamed an apoplectic Mr. Schmidt. "Your Press are talking like it is Kristallnacht all over again. This is ludicrous. In Assam they have ethnic cleansing not Lincolnshire. UKIP fears foreign food and colourful banknotes - in France or the offices of Top Gear that would not even be seen as a character flaw! If you want home-grown bigots look north, the SNP are so racist they want to kick out an entire country!"
Drenched in sweat and on a verge of an embolism Mr Schmidt concluded "I would advise Britain's 8.2million immigrants to join UKIP and then vote to have the original 20,000 inbred members deported!"