"Following the recent election results" said a Conservative Party spokesman "We have decided that our party needs some minor re-branding. We will in future call ourselves the 'Univerally Knowledgeable Informed People' party, and probably choose a new front man - maybe with a name something like 'Nial Barrage'.
"We will not be changing our party's policies, though, except for minor tweeks like negotiating the exit of the UK from the EU (not immediately of course, just some time within the next fortnight), banning immigration (but only from Europe and from the rest of the world) and making smoking compulsory. After all, we don't want to look as though we're panicking or anything."
The spokesman was later seen with a new, large red nose and trying on a very large pair of shoes.