Fans are standing by Tom Cruise today after a tearful press conference in which Tom Cruise, movie star and scientology pin-up, confirmed that he is in fact straight.
Rumours that the long-established rumours that Cruise is in fact gay are completely false are completely true, it appears. The internetterati have been buzzing with excitement that Cruise's allegedly bogus marriages with Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes have in fact been consummated, several times and even with accessories, according to some reports.
Straight campaigners are hailing Cruise's bold move as a triumph for equality.
"In a world where only one in ten men involved in the arts are openly enjoying women, this announcement marks a turning point in the arrival of a new era for boys who like girls” said Jeremy Goldthorpe, the leader of the Short-camp-and–straight pressure group which represents the interests of ‘heterettes’ - musicians, actors and ballet dancers with a predominant interest in the opposite sex.
“I think it’s astounding that in this day and age someone in the public eye felt the need to surround himself with rumours and faked sightings of extra-trousered frottaging activities in gay bars, just in order to fit in” he continued.
“Now that he has finally confirmed to the world that he does like it vanilla, it will make it much easier for all those weedy acne-ridden nineteen year-olds at drama school to approach the attractive girl playing Cleopatra in the final-year showcase.”