UKIP leader Nigel Farage has ordered an urgent investigation into how their candidate for West Wiltshire, Dave Morgan, appears to be perfectly normal.
'He has a lovely wife and two lovely children, and works in a decent job,' stormed Farage. 'He's not a neo-nazi, doesn't believe in flying saucers, has a couple of gay friends, thinks cyclists should be given respect on the road, wants a sensible debate about immigration and has some sound fiscal policies. How the hell did he get through the selection process? All applicants have to bring a certificate showing that they're stark raving bonkers, and they're interviewed by three members of the Ku Klux Klan - if the KKK people aren't sufficiently horrified by the applicant's racism and homophobia they can't be selected.
'Who on earth will vote for a sensible UKIP candidate? "Sensible" and "UKIP" go together like bacon and brake fluid. Still,' he added, 'at least he's not a woman!'