A member of the Royal Household has today given an intimate account of the Queen's unofficial birthday party, which takes place after Her Majesty's official televised birthday bash.
Royal worker Sharon Cleaveden has revealed details of last year's shindig which she says helped Her Majesty wind down after a stressful few weeks of revision. 'Remembering the details of all that pomp and ceremony is like doing a whole degree every year,' said Ms Cleaveden, 'and Her Majesty really can't afford to get anything less than a first class honours, what with being the Queen and all'.
The exposé, set to be published in the News of the World on Sunday after this weekend's celebration, paints a sordid picture. 'Upon retiring from the balcony of Buckingham Palace, Elizabeth visited an off-license in South Kensington and then trekked back to her bedsit laden with bottles of Diamond White and cans of Red Bull,' explained Cleaveden. 'Once indoors, she immediately began to get lary with a few of her relatives and their mates.'
Things soon got worse, Cleaveden claims, following a heated argument about what to get to eat. 'Her Majesty got the munchies and fancied a Chinese, but Phil kept banging on about how he'd rather get a kebab than that 'slanty-eyed crap'. No-one was talking to the boring bloke in the kitchen, as usual,' she explained, 'because Prince Edward goes on about his missus, his kids and his charity work so much.'
Excesses of drink and drugs are also typical throughout Ms Cleaveden's account. 'One of my most memorable moments was being high and getting shagged on the pile of ermine cloaks on the bed,' she said, 'but I really put Prince Charles off his stroke when I started laughing uncontrollably at his missus. She makes a sort-of whinnying sound like a horse when she's throwing up - she was really trooping the colour I can tell you!'
The 2009 festivities apparently came to an abrupt end when the party was gate-crashed by the Duchess of York. 'Watching the Queen go at her tooth and nail, pulling her ginger hair and screeching like a harpy really put a downer on the rest of the evening. After all of the recent Prince Andrew stuff, Fergie had better steer clear this year. If she turns up with one of those undercover journalists in tow I reckon Liz will crown her with her sceptre!'
[WRITTEN IN COLLABORATION WITH JP1885]