In move that will upset Human Rights activists, Britain’s prisoners insist that Coalition Ministers must start to work harder for their privileges.
From November, Ministers must "actively earn privileges" and are being warned a simple absence of scandal will "not be enough".
Charles Bronson (c/o Wakefield High-Security Prison) explained that Britain’s criminal class have delivered year on year reductions in violent crime since 2006 and yet Ministers seem content to “sit on their arses” in the face of a global, financial crisis. “While we have done our bit to make Britain a safer place – what have Ministers done?”
Changes to the Incentives and Earned Privileges schemes will include:
• An actual working day
• A ban on Ministers not paying for their own pornography
• Second homes for secret lovers being dependent "on active engagement with the electorate"
• Restrictions in the number of funded floating duck houses and bell towers.
• Conjugal visits no longer to include the transfer of speeding points
A spokesman for Wandsworth prison said: "In the past, we've sent the wrong message. £400 for food each month (without receipts) seems excessive. At least people like Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer managed to actually sew some mail bags in their time.”
Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was quick to respond: "There is no evidence at all to show that a so-called tough approach works. We are a product of generations of in-breeding, laziness and incompetence. I’ll be damned if I will lift a finger to break that long and inglorious tradition. Now hand me my Salamander Hors d'oeuvre.”