An independent audit, commissioned by the Centre for Social Justice, has found that government-subsidised homeless projects waste vast amounts of money on people who 'aren't homeless enough'.
Speaking at 'The Recuperation Centre for Bankers Who Lost Their Bonuses', Iain Duncan-Smith, Chairman of the CSJ and Minister for Work and Pensions, said that 'The aim of a homeless refuge is to provide warmth and shelter for those who, through laziness, or measures outside their control such as natural selection, are unable to provide for themselves. But we need to make sure that those making claims have really exploited their opportunities fully. Only that way, can we ensure that money and support, but mostly money, is going to the right people. We need a 19th century approach to poverty.
'Of course, we cannot have people huddling in cardboard boxes, but by the same token, there are boxes and there are boxes. Yes, the man who can only find an empty box of Monster Munch to build his shelter can rightly claim to have been dealt a poor hand. But the man who managed to keep the sturdy box from the TV he lost when he was declared bankrupt could rightly claim to be a prince amongst paupers. In fact, he almost qualifies for council tax.
'Moreover, you can always tell the class of a man from the paper he reads. Or uses for a duvet. A man with The Telegraph will have a worthy, sensible broadsheet from which to make a bed or a tent, even; if he has any fingers left. A man who finds a copy of The Guardian will have a plethora of layers and supplements, which will finally have found a use, as well as a sense of smugness that even the harshest of easterly winds cannot chill. But pity the man who finds a copy of The Independent, because there's balls-all in that. This man needs our help!
'But we can't have wasters who refuse to help themselves; people who proliferate crime and violence and sit drinking meths instead of using it to cook with. These people don't deserve government money. Through a tougher stance on homelessness we could save resources, cut the deficit and pave the way for the workhouses! Most importantly, we make sure that the people who need help will get it and we can make headway where the last government failed: by seperating the weak from the chav.'