New attempts at renegade indoctrination by the Vatican have caused outrage amongst hard-line Catholics.
They have recently begun bestowing sainthoods on followers for seemingly incongruous acts. In the last three weeks they have canonised 165 people, 17 dogs, 4 whippets and a log. The church’s bowel heavy rhetoric maintains each new saint deserved the lofty acclamation and vehemently defended its decision to begin canonising pre-mortem. Historically one of the pre-requisites for sainthood was death, as a result many Catholics took their own life in order to achieve the prestigious honour.
Pope Francis defended the controversial move by way of the following statement "We already have a lot of saints and I love them all equally, why not have more? The potential for sainthood amongst Catholics will be a great incentive to attract new blood to the church. Woody, the patron saint of logs will attest to that."