Teenage pop heart-throb Justin Lumberjack is the latest celebrity victim of the increasingly desperate "Operation Yewtree" investigations. Special branch detectives mounted a dawn raid on his cabin in Arkansas this morning, following a tip-off from a local grass.
"We have reason to believe that Mr Lumberjack has had an abusive relationship with at least 36 Yew trees over the past year, and we are also investigating suspicions that he may even have attempted an indecent assault on a piece of ash."
Following the tip-off, police logged on to Lumberjack's computer, and soon twigged that the poplar star had an alder ego as an axe-man, getting wood by wielding his chopper on a series of under-sized saplings.
"At first we thought we were barking up the wrong tree," said DI Walter "Woody" Allen. "He had us stumped, but we decided to stick with it and then we saw his blog and realised he was a little too frond of birching alder poor little ashes - he was pining fir them and just could knot leaf them alone."
The detectives are bringing Mr Lumberjack back to Britain on the next plane.
