Channel 4 has declared the fifth series of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ a ratings triumph. This focused entirely on Greek mythology and has entranced viewers with heart-warming true legends that viewers have described as ‘entrancing’, ‘amazing’ and ‘a real eye-opener, especially the Cyclops’.
‘The biggest success was curing the Gorgon, Medusa,’ said presenter Dr Christian Jensen. ‘Helped by a team of eight, my colleague Dr James Russell successfully excised over 100 venomous snakes from her head while looking backwards into a mirrored shield. He did get a glimpse at one point and turned to stone, but it doesn’t seem to have affected the quality of his presenting so far.’
In fact, the whole series nearly came to grief early on, when Queen Leda of Sparta laid two eggs on the floor of the clinic shortly after Zeus, father of the gods, reported in with a severe groin itch. Eventually the producers realised that Zeus’s condition was the direct result of feathers chafing his thighs after he turned himself into a swan in order to have his way with Leda and they banned immortals from future episodes.
It was a revelation for many Greeks that medicine could cure the afflictions laid on them for disobeying the gods. Sisyphus, for instance, is now relishing endlessly pushing a stone uphill after treatment for his severely chapped hands, while a simple gastric band means that Tantalus no longer feels the need to reach out for the fruit dangling eternally over his head. And Hippalectryon has not only had the fore parts of a rooster surgically separated from the body of a horse but has also found two new homes called ‘Bernard Matthews’ and ‘Findus’.
‘Of course, there have been some sad moments too,’ said Dr Jensen. ‘The Amazons came in asking for a boob job, but it turned out they had cut their own right breasts off to throw their javelins better. That one fell foul of NICE guidelines, I’m afraid. They were a bit upset at first, but they cheered up no end after slaughtering all the male hospital staff and exposing all the newborn children on the Cotswolds.’
The Embarrassing Bodies team has, however, abandoned plans for an Egyptian Mythology follow-up. ‘Apparently Osiris wants to come on, but really I don’t think there’s anything we can do for him, he’s already died twice, then had his body torn into 14 pieces and spread throughout the land. And his willy was eaten by a catfish. That’s just TOO embarrassing, even for Channel 4.’