After the popular success of last year's one-in-one-out immigration policy update, UKIPs leaders have introduced a raft of manifesto changes under the moniker 'Nightclub Britain'.
'We want glassings, not bombings' said UKIP leader, Nigel Farage. 'We want the outside world to see the UK as a select discotheque. Not wearing a pair of loafers? You're not coming in son. We mean that literally as well as metaphorically.'
If elected, UKIP says it will begin to install velvet ropes across the south coast, and immigration officers will be taught how to punch asylum seekers in the stomach while 'eyeing up their bird'.
The judicial system would also see major overhauls. Judges' wigs will be replaced by bomber jackets and the courtroom will be renamed 'the backroom'.
In the foreword to the 'Nightclub Britain' white paper, Farage writes: 'Come with us for an unforgettable night on the tiles. This is our country, our club. England is the dancefloor, Scotland the bar, Wales the toilet and Northern Ireland the kebab shop next door. Ladies, pack some spare knickers and gents, let's get the Cool Water on and party until the smooth runs out.'