The UK economy avoided a 'triple dip' recession thanks in large part to a secret spending spree by the Osborne family, it is alleged.
Labour claim that Osborne himself led his three brothers and mother, Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, on a 'jolly' through London in a last-ditch bid to bolster figures, pointing to extraordinary performance by the Fortnum and Mason group and Mulberry.
Osborne himself - his mouth full of brioche and foie gras - declined to comment, but mother, Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, said: "Oh, stop! Do you know, I really can't remember! Oh, gosh, no! This jacket isn't new! No, no! Nor the Range Rover, no... Or is it? Do you know, I really can't recall! Must dash!"