Stockholm police say they have found evidence of “self doubt” a small amount of Class A “ennui” on board a tour bus used by pop singer Justin Bieber.
Police spokesman Lars Bystrom said officers on the scene had been left “shocked” and “traumatized” but what they had witnessed: “Naturally with rock’n’roll you expect a certain amount of anti-social behavior…drugs, Russell Brand in a gimp suit or even a conjoined goat…but nothing could prepare us for what we found.”
When officers raided the empty bus, they discovered a concealed room devoid of mirrors. Amongst a pile of assorted acne creams, self-help guides and a collection of poems about self-harm, police found a life-size Anne Frank “body suit”. Police now believe that last month’s attempt to provoke the Anne Frank Museum was an elaborate ruse to disguise Bieber’s own fetish for assuming the identity of the tragic heroine.
This comes after the revelation that only 17.8 million (of his 37.3 million Belieber followers) are linked to real accounts. Soon afterwards, during his London leg of tour, the Canadian singer was heard mumbling into his microphone while faking breathing difficulties and lying motionless on stage after one routine. Fans attest to hearing a set of barely audible existential questions: “Why I am here?” “Who am I?” “What is Canada?”