“I’d have made him read my novels which are like books with stories in, and I’d have made him watch like loads of videos of me an’ that from ITV 5, that’d be torture for him, cos it’s against his religion, so it would be like a disgrace, though a lot of people really like it,” Katie Price told Home Secretary Theresa May in talks aimed at breaking the Abu Qatada deadlock.
“Then I’d have like made him look at videos of me having stuff done to me. Nah I don’t mean like that! Get off! Mine jew he’s probably that strict a Muslin that if he actually like saw me as nature intended, that would have been torture ‘n all. Not that nature…
"Anyway, I mean for the torture he’d have had to watch like me having cosmestic surgery on my lips and bust and that. Nobody can bear that, I dunno how them doctors can do it, I spect they get used to it cos they can’t look away, can they!? But old beardy, he probly would have had to look away only we wouldn’t have let him. We’d have put like things in his eyes to keep 'em open so he’d have to watch as a torture like that film about vibrating fruit from the olden days, 'cos it was clockwork summink...can't remember. It'll come to me!”
“Anway it turns out that they wanna make me agree not to torture him and I say fair enough I won’t then if it's in the interest of national security and that. What this means is they can get rid of him from the UK for some reason, just 'cos I agreed to leave the bloke alone. Between you and me I would’ve left him alone anyway but they were paying me a fee to not torture him so I kept my mouth shut. Then I said as a joke like is there anyone else you’d like me to torture or not torture? And Terry May said something about a foreign secretary and I said she should get like an English secretary cos they can write better letters and answer the phone an' that. I mean my secretary’s from Moldova but she baths the kids an that and my agent does most of the writing anyway, and I just sign.
Look I don’t fully understand all this international diplomacy, but I reckon there’s something in this torture stuff what with Fifty Shapes of Grape or whatever. ANYWAY cos of all that I had an idea and I am already discussing a new Katie Price S & M range with M & S. So some good did come out of it and I gave old Terry a few specialists’ addresses, poor love. I mean she does her best.
"Orange! That was it!"