Accident-prone Hanoverian Chancellor George Osborne left Glasgow last night under cover of darkness and made a dash for the border disguised as a set of bagpipes tucked under the arm of bonnie Scots Tory leader, wee Ruthie Davidson. Earlier, Osborne had triggered Glaswegian fury and a massive surge of popular support behind the SNP’s independence campaign by announcing that an independent Scotland would have either to join the Euro or invent its own currency. Sterling, he said, would not be available to a new Scottish government. “This is just the sort of arrogant shock-tactics and scaremongering that has driven the case for independence since the Clearances,” said finance secretary John Swinney.
Speaking after the 9pm watershed, a lone piper recited a traditional Jacobite lament linking The Bank of England, George Osborne’s arse and Scotland’s share of the UK National Debt. Medical experts fear that, if attempted, this manoeuvre would force Osborne to wear a kilt until 2019 and make sitting down uncomfortable until 2025 or possibly forever.