Shocking figures today reveal that the majority of the British public don’t give a stuff whether the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby bump is small, medium or large.
The findings come from a national poll assessing the buttocks, breasts and other anatomical features of leading figures from the Archibishop of Canterbury to Angela Merkel.
A spokesman for the Daily Mail expressed shock at the results. “The failure to engage with constant scrutiny of the bodies of our Royal Family is a sad indictment of our generation and bodes ill for the future of our nation. It is our patriotic duty to ogle the Duchess with a mixture of deference, resentment and lust.”
In response to the survey results, the BBC is said to have shelved a 12-part documentary series, voiced by David Attenborough, on the mating and birthing habits of the Royal Family.