The human mile high tape measure. I knew I would guess your job in the end
(73 posts) (25 voices)
Got a bollocking once for a failed business pitch. We said we had done our best to put the pitch together, and the boss retorted: "Anyone can do their best - I expect more from you guys..."
He drove a BMW.
ID: "marketing strategy symposium" ?? You may mean "conference".
btw, how's the head this morning - I've been to conferences like that.
I attended a massive training exercise several years ago, and the entire corporate IT department was being preached on how to be managers, confident decision makers, etc.
It changed the whole organisation. Everyone ended up trying to score points off everyone else, with no-one trying to do the fucking work. The company was, yet again, on the BBC front page yesterday for screwing up. Coincidence ?
my all time favourite bit of corporate comms bollocks was on the intranet at a bank: "new managing directors praise revised promotion process"
I attended a meeting esterday where the word "automaticity" was used.
automaticity is a useful word in an occupational/pysio therapy context, and in education where it appears that individuals who experience barriers to learning of a dyslexic nature may lack the skill of automaticity in such activities such as reading and writing. this of course makes learning very tiring for them.
god, im dull
My head was bloody awful this morning. Must have been all the edukashun crammed in it.
Much very interesting stuff. Also ten points on how to optimise your google ranking. There was a pretty picture of where your eyes focus when you look at a computer screen (top left, then drift towards botom right; interesting) then he spent a long time describing stuff that I'm sure as hell needs to be someone else's job.
By point 3 I was busy drawing a picture of a campfire for my son.
Google ranking is the only pleasure I get these days.
There's something wrong with my eyes. I look top right, then slide left.
Sometimes, I look both ways at once. It's quite difficult to look straight ahead though, since my eyes are on the side of my head.
FFS chaps name some names, we're all incognito on this site.
I work for Friends Life and they are completely shit, although not noticeably different from any other insurance company.
Did someone here point me at Arty bollocks or did I find it myself?
Which ever its a great bullshit generator. I can imagine printing a few of these out and distributing them around the Tate modern, or the local Wylye Valley art trail for that matter.
I've sent it off to the Plain English people as suggested, will let you know if anything comes of it. I gave them your name, Titus.
I often pass vehicles on the A1 with a variety of rubbish phrases on the side. I have come up with my own definitions for them.
Logistics Partner = We have a van.
Total Logistics Solutions = We have a van and a driver.
Integrated Logistics Solutions = We gave him a radio.
My work explores the relationship between acquired limbs and transcendent memories.
With influences as diverse as Aristotle and Freddie Starr, new insights are manufactured from both simple and complex textures.
Ever since I was a child I have been fascinated by the coruscating understanding of weaning. What starts out as hope soon becomes corroded into a carnival of invertebrates, leaving only a sense of nihilism and the prospect of a new iPad.
As shimmering violas become clarified through frantic and diverse corpulence, the viewer is left with an insight into the limits of our comprehension.
It doesn't take long for this to become rather disturbing.
Google ranking is the only pleasure I get these days.
As Jonathan Ross often says.
We were recently presented with a new "Corporate strategic plan" which included such bollocks as:
"We will place individual choice, empowerment and respect at the centre of all we do, with stakeholders fully involved in measuring the quality of our busines....."
...and within days, a whole department had been made redundant with absolutely no involvement of the "stakeholders" concerned, and a minimum of "empowerment and respect".
That reminds me of an incident in 2006, when JR asked David Cameron whether he had masturbated thinking about Margaret Thatcher.
Silly enough, but I watched it reported on the Beeb, who used a sign-language interpreter. And can you guess what the sign language was for "masturbate" ? The very prim interpreter had to think of the BSL for the word very quickly - so she went for the obvious: finger and thumb together as would be appropriate. Probably had never done that gesture before.
I can just imagine someone deaf watching that news for the first time ...
Re: Arty Bollocks.
From yesterday's Independent on Sunday.
A violent noir tryptych that skillfully replicates the stylised chiaroscuro and staccato kineticism of its comic book source material. Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Clive Owen and Elijah Wood star as various weary heroes and lowlife criminal types; Jessica Alba and Rosario Dawson are the dames. (2005)
They are taking the piss, right???
Sinnick: I can't sign BSL, but I believe it is actually quite earthy and graphic in many ways. So that may be the official BSL for masturbation. Does anyone on here know?
Son of Barnabas: yes. the poor use of language - meaningless or nicey-nicey platitudes - is only half the problem. it's the frequency with which it's followed by entirely non-nicey, arrogant and vicious politicking and dumping on people...
In fact, while I'm on the subject, there must be a sub in an honest mission statement that just reverses all of the platitudes. I guess it's been done before, but e.g. "We will place the domination of individuals, customer disempowerment and mutual disrespect at the heart of all we do" etc etc
How about: 'Work harder, work faster, work longer, or fuck off'
wants to know what Cameron's answer was
Lupy - an honest mission statement ... what a great idea for a sub! Are you going for it or shall i?
@Ironduke: that sounds spot-on.
However I guess what would be really clever would be for someone to compose a long-winded, pretentious load of what, intially, looked like meaningless waffle and platitudes, but which when you eventually managed to unpick it, translated into "We aim to rip off our customers, exploit our staff, dodge our taxes, cut product quality, maximise profits, ignore product safety and advertising truthfulness legislation and pay our top management ludicrous unwarranted bonuses, whilst paying lip service to the notion of ethical corporate behaviour."
I'll give five stars to the first person who manages to do that convincingly, and remember, on initial superficial reading, it's got to look as though the waffle, if it means anything at all, is suggesting that the company have entirely virtuous policies.
A good pattern to follow might be the armed services, where being caught in an ambush is described as "engaging the enemy on all fronts" or being vastly outnumbered by enemy aircraft is described as "enjoying a target-rich environment".
Titus that's an excellent challenge, if quite, er, challenging. Love "enjoying a target-rich environment".
Barny, I gladly pass the privilege of going for the sub on this to you... but will be watching the writer's room eagerly and hope to chip in too.
I started trying to do it, but it was just too depressingly true.... I had to give up when I found myself crawling to the nearest powerpoint and attempting to stick my tongue in the socket!
New Labour: "It does what it says on the spin"
Titus how about this:
•Provide a great work environment and treat each other with respect and dignity.
•Embrace diversity as an essential component in the way we do business.
•Apply the highest standards of excellence to the purchasing, roasting and fresh delivery of our coffee.
•Develop enthusiastically satisfied customers all of the time.
•Contribute positively to our communities and our environment.
•Recognize that profitability is essential to our future success.
Unfortunately not mine - it's Starbucks'.
The latest management initiative here is 'Customer Focus' which supersedes the previous one which was 'Schedule Adherence.'
So presumably we've delivered a load of crap on time and now we've got to put it all right to appease a pissed-off customer.
Scroat – if they wrote film reviews in plain English then how would you know that they were so much cleverer than you and had enjoyed the film on levels that you can only dream of?
As if by magic this arrived today from a big wholesale supplier:
Blah blah blah....we are putting in place a new structure which will allow focus on specific customer channels; enhance our capability to activate brands in outlet; and provide a more efficient coverage model across our customer base. (their punctuation)
The next paragraph told me I now have a dedicated Tele-account manager as well as the normal rep. which was what the MD was trying to say all along. I expect his next missive to tell me they have streamlined the real time interface and sacked the rep.
You must log in to post.