In the heady wake of securing their 20th League Championship - MUCK - the Commercial arm of Manchester United FC - today launched it's first ever App, predicted to earn several billions of pounds for the cash-strapped Glazer family, via sales in the far east, personnel terms and lucrative add-ons.
The App, titled “Win It Like Fergie”, reveals top secret formulas and some of the unique literary codes that form the methodology behind the great manager's amazing success story.
Buyers of the App, expected to include city bankers, coalition government ministers and Ed Miliband's Labour Party, will be instructed to learn certain Fergie phrases by heart. They will then be encouraged to introduce these phrases into their own vocabulary, before confidently sitting back and enjoying the seeds of their own good fortune.
Writing on the back cover of “Win It Like Fergie”, Commercial Director Ted Shanks, cunningly tempts his audience with a complimentary offer of two priceless stock phrases. Shanks advises potential customers to learn how to talk like Sir Alex Ferguson by repeating again and again, “There's no doubt about that.” They are then instructed to look into a mirror and say fifty times over, “That's for sure”.
What follows is a personal message from Sir Alex himself:-
Dear App buyer,
Without doubt everyone wants to be as successful as me and Manchester United, there's absolutely no doubt about that. No doubt whatsoever. But as for everyone trying to talk like me, well I'm sure that's a positive place to begin, that's for sure. So repeat after me...
Other than me, we've a very young team at United so we're not about to go anywhere, you can be sure about that. And City have enough money to go out and buy another £200m worth of players so they're not going anywhere either. That's for sure. Not with the money they've got.
The fact is, Shinji will be a far better player next year, I'm certain about that. But the record speaks for itself, there's no doubt. And remember, the Premier's a hard league to win. The hardest in the world, no question.
I'm just me, that's for sure. Ask anyone. The way I see it you either go forwards or you go backwards, no doubt about that. We only have a forward gear at United, you can quote me on that. That's why I bought Van Persie. That's why I own racehorses. Racehorses can't run backwards, that's for sure.
Everyone here does what I say, there's no doubt about that. It's about being positive. I say this - they do that, understand. That's how it works, for sure. Take a look at the record, that's what it's all about, no question”.