The latest figures released by the Department for Education show that half of all state schools are now below the national average. Ministers have used such falling standards to push for a wider take up of education from the private sector.
"Throwing tax payer money into any failing business is a waste of scarce funds" claimed Education minister Michael Gove, "and as the data clearly shows, these schools are failing themselves, the community, and the Great British taxpayer too".
A departmental white paper has begun circulation suggesting tax breaks for businesses, charities and extreme fundamentalist religious groups who would be willing to take over many secondary schools, on a 'no questions asked' basis.
The paper details significant concessions which could be made to increase the attractiveness of private sector involvement; the business would be exempt from FOI, would class students grades and attendance as commercially sensitive and with no requirements to publish results and attendance, and also the syllabus would be open to the removal of many ‘legacy’ subjects such as English and Maths in exchange for studies such as hard labour, building smart phones, or telesales studies.
Gove also pointed out that by removing the failing 50% of schools this would produce a new %50 of schools newly failing to meet the national average; “I cannot see our roll out of continuous improvements to education ever ending, until perhaps we are left with the one school”. Although Gove also said he would consider sub-dividing this school repeatedly until one student was left who “perhaps could be given a book token, some sort of scholarship to public school and small paper crown” although George Osbourne later pointed out that any book tokens would be “subject to Treasury sign off”.