Langley, Virginia- Sources within the CIA have revealed that they are close to proving that North Korea has been developing a missile defence system that, if found to be genuine, would make any military threat from the peace loving western powers obsolete.
The source who asked for his identity to be kept secret but was sporting a near perfectly horizontal flat-top haircut with cheap aviator sunglasses hinted at the scale of the problem: "That dirty fat fuck Kim Jong......Umm (he wasn't certain of the final part of his name) could render the allies' threat of blowing him and his massive hat wearing cronies out of the fucking water a pipe dream."
The CIA operative asked us not to show his face.
The most recent satellite imagery has revealed an area the size of a typical US theme park as the core of it's building and development program and, as seen by some analysts as a blatant provocative measure aimed at the US, have even erected a huge sign over the entrance titled 'Star Wars World'.
"Workers and scientists have been photographed entering the compound through toll-booth style entrances." Said another unnamed source, although he looked uncannily like our previous source. "The workers are so keen to be a part of this shit-stirring program that they pay to enter the site to work." Some have even been seen bringing in large families and paying what some insiders have revealed to be a family entrance fee which gives visitors a discounted price for two adults and two children.
An exclusive CIA satellite image of the weapons plant.
One area of the site which has caused great concern for the agents studying the imagery and was observed surrounded by workers and even queues of scientists and their families lining up to enter, was a massive grey-coloured circular construction with two large cyllindrical objects protruding from the front and pockmarked with laser-type weaponry.
"It looks like some sort of anti-ballistic missile system," quoted the source. He also mentioned that although it was the kind of weapon that looked far more modern than anything the US had come up with, it was also slightly shabby looking with sporadic burn or explosive marks on it. The people entering this weapons system all seemed to be taller than 160 Centimeters and that they were trying to find out why. Closer inspection also revealed a sign at the entrance entitled 'Mirrenium Falcon'. Once the workers and scientists were inside, the contraption seemed to spin in an anti-clockwise direction.
A CIA artist's impression of the weapons site.
"It's a fucking fake," The source revealed, "They're always showing off bullshit missiles made of pots, pans, bog rolls and tin foil." He yelled, almost dropping his corn dog.
A top secret North Korean missile.
Analysts said that the scientists and their families were only spending around three minutes inside the weapon chamber and it was thought to be because they were trying to develop some new kind of radioactive material: "They're calling it fucking Mirrenium," The source said before he pulled out a huge cuban cigar, bit the end off, spat it on the floor then didn't light it. "Mirrenium is a nasty fucking material and the sooner we take out this weapons site, the sooner the world will be a safer place to live in." He also said that the general concensus in the Pentagon was that the anti-clockwise spin was obviously to develop the Mirrenium into weapons grade material using centrifuge enrichment. Some of the children seen exiting the site looked green, others displayed signs of dizziness and the odd few were even throwing up, something which another insider said was blatant abuse of minors and violated artice 475.341 of the UN charter for the welfare of children. "I don't give a toss if they haven't signed the charter. These kids deserve protection and a few Tomahawks up their Kim Jong asses is the answer."
North korean nuclear centrifuge testing.
Another part of the site appeared to be developing what the entrance sign seemed to call the 'Republic Assault Ship' and, although it was still in dry dock, was obviously some sort of advanced looking marine craft in the latter stages of deveplopment. People of all ages, men women and children were entering this facility and seemed to be spending longer inside this project. "They're even taking fucking photo's. If that's not worth an instant reprisal, then you can kiss my hairy balls." Our by now irate source screamed.
Obama's hairy balls.
There were many other weapons development areas which our insider yelled needed further analysis, but he did reveal the names of some of them as 'The Trade Federation battleship', 'The Trade Federation cruiser' and 'The Trade Federation landing ship':"This is a bigger naval expansion than that Justin Bieber-haircutted twat Hitler had before the first world war." The source spluttered looking as if he was about to have a coronary thrombosis.
The final and perhaps most worrying development area which also attracted the most amount of interest, not only because of it's provocative name, but also it's size was called the 'Death Star'. Again, it seemed to rotate in an anti clockwise direction, but also rose up from the floor slowly so that it was pointing 180 degrees into the air, and puzzlingly, only spent about one and a half minutes in the upright position before lowering to it's original position and then coming to a halt. Besides, the size of the workers and scientists seemed to be restricted to people over the height of 170 centimeters and seemed to have the same sickening effects on the odd person as the Mirrenium Falcon did. Our source said the intelligence desk at Langley had already come up with the answer: "It's a fucking huge, white, laser-firing golf ball. It's aimed at provoking us with the leader's father claiming he got 11 holes-in-one in one round." he claimed.
Kim Jong Un's laser guided Death star.
Our source was holding his chest, but managed to utter that by pointing this weapons system at "One hundred and eighty fucking degrees," it was a blatant threat to the US and it's allies and nothing short of an all out nuclear strike was the only solution. "They're eating hot dogs, ice cream and candy floss in celebration of their great bowl-headed leader. Fuck that hippy shit, that's just Kim Jung whatever his fucking name is feeding the scientists and their families. The rest of that fucked up country ain't got shit."
We were informed that guards wander the site dressed in white kevlar, sporting illegally imported sub machine guns and they've also got some kind of large hairy beast patrolling, although neither seem to intimidate the workers: "They're also having their fucking photos taken with these monsters which is another sign of the success that bastard leader has had brainwashing them"
A North Korean scientist being frisked.
Some of our sources at Google maps had revealed that they thought it might not be a weapons site, but our insider was adamant and refused to continue the interview. As he stormed off, he was heard muttering under his breath: "Fuck the fucking balloons and rollercoasters."
You might laugh, but you can't hide.