Tech giant Apple have given a new meaning to the phrase “killer app” by announcing the release of the new ‘Murder App’ for the Iphone4. Unnatural death infliction has been an area hitherto dominated by the arms industry, but Apple chief executive Timothy Cook is confident that his company could add a fresh and exciting angle to the homicide experience.
“Here at Apple our philosophy has always been that it is possible to bring innovation to even the most mundane of day to day activities,” explained Cook in a press conference this morning.
“Currently if you want to kill someone there are limited options open to you. Shooting someone is by far the most common method used by Americans today. OK, it’s quick and easy and gets the job done, but it’s also stale and repetitive,” he said.
“Here at Apple we’ve done what we do best and developed a product which makes something which has become quite grubby and unpleasant into something fresh and above all: hygienic.”
The beaming CEO then demonstrated the app on an intern who appeared only too happy to give his life. After a couple of minutes delay following some small technical difficulties, Cook aimed his Iphone at the teenager in a TV remote style and fired- what Apple boffins have described as a ‘sonic pulse’- at his head. The coup de grace itself was as swift and clean as promised and the subject dropped like a martinet having its strings snipped.
After the usual rapturous applause died down, Cook described planned future developments in the product range. “We hope to be in the killing spree market in time for Christmas. The ‘sonic pulse’ will become more of a ‘sonic blast,’ capable of liquidating anyone within a 100 metre radius of the device.
“The intention then is to integrate into the social media universe. The app will be able to link-up with sites such as Facebook and Twitter and the phone of a friend or follower will do the killing for you,” he said.
“In the interest of fairness, we will attach a ‘mutually assured destruction’ safeguard which will send a message to your target informing them they are about to be killed. This will give them the opportunity to retaliate if desired.”
Cook closed his address by adding: “The utopia of peace and harmony that comes from private citizens with the ability to kill and be killed with convenience and style, and minus the brain splatter, will finally be realised in our, now probably short, lifetimes.”
An Android version of the ‘Murder App’ which apparently utilises a liquid cyanide nebuliser is said to be currently stalled in research and development stage.