Chancellor George Osborne has blamed the UK's top boy band, One Direction, for disappointing retail figures for the last quarter. He said: "If the economy is to pick up, we need our wealth creators, such as Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis, to release new singles to stimulate consumer spending.
"I've done my bit," he added, brandishing a 7" vinyl of Duke Dumont's 'Need U (100%)'.
Draft lyrics for an Osborne–Shapps-penned song, with the working title of 'Highstreet', are to be put before Parliament prior to the release of the first-quarter growth figures for 2013 next week. A leaked copy reads:
Briddain’s got down
Down, down, down
It’s wearing a frown
Frown, frown, frown
We gotta make it bedder, we gotta make it sweet
Purchase our new single, geddit on the highstreet
Osborne’s office has so far refused to address speculation as to whether the studio production will be performed by Ministers or put out to tender to the highest bidding boy band.
Business Secretary Vince Cable has backed the move, saying: “This’ll put the wind up those little turds. £5 million, eh? That’s nothing! Nothing! Me and the cabinet boyz is loaded and we’z making to knock you off your pedestal, bee-ach!” Though he later claimed that his comments were taken out of context.
This wouldn't be the first musical outing for the current government, after Junior Transport Minister Norman Baker attended a Michael Buble concert. Baker has, however, distanced himself from the project.