The tragic events that unfolded recently at the finish line of the Boston marathon are believed to be part of ongoing use of terrorist-like events by the US Government to affect social change. Revealed in a paper accidentally used to wrap a McDonald's burger on Boston harbor front, the plot is outlined as mission 'waistline freedom' which alongside adding fear to public displays of athletic prowess would see 'negative information' on key campaigners fed to the FBI's recently-purchased Wikileaks website. This revelation saw three conspiracy theory websites sent into meltdown last night as details emerged and speculation began.
Targets of this second 'discrediting' phase are named as a members of a secret society called 'The Pentavaret' comprising TV's Dr. Oz, diet guru Dr. Pierre Dukan, Slimfast founder S. Daniel Abraham, bendy lady Callan Pinckney and annoying mockney food champion Jamie Oliver, all of which are accused of undermining the freedoms of the average American by making it socially unacceptable to be heavier than a baby elephant. The likely lines of negative information would revolve around ownership by the Pentavaret of stakes in various fast food companies and horse stables. It would further detail how Jamie's own spice range was laced with an addictive chemical that makes you crave it fortnightly.
Spokesman for leading conspiracy site theydoneit.com, Hugh Jupsett, commented on traffic across his bulletin board, "Straight after the scan of the greasy paper appeared on our board the effect was explosive! I felt like I'd completed a marathon after we linked this bombing to 9-11, Area 51 and the strange rise of Bruno Mars."
Government representatives virulently denied the validity of the document, "If you look at the top of the paper the date, April 1, is obscured by a pickle stain - it is clearly a strange coincidence just like the fluttering flag on the totally real moon landings and vertically collapsing towers."
"Aah, but they would say that," concluded Jupsett. Jamie Oliver broke the habit of a lifetime and refused to comment.