Following the recent horse-meat scandal, it seems our equine friends have not been the only animals to find their way into our mouths under false pretences. The resulting spate of DNA testing uncovered other ingredients many carnivores will find displeasing. Dead dog, which in the past has been largely associated with upset children and drug users, has found its way into our food chain.
Historically, dead dog was dried, ground and mixed with hallucinogenic biotics and then smoked through a hollow three metre long wooden rectoid known as a dogging-box. This practise induces a dreamlike state upon the user, allowing them to experience lucid hallucinations which are known as dog-backs. Canine dogsperts liken dog-backs to Vietnam war flashbacks but instead of horrific combat situations users experience vivid interpretations of everyday canine life. Many bereaved dog owners turn to the drug in attempt to satiate their dog nostalgia but most would probably not wrap their chops around their recently deceased pet's hind-leg.
Dog is already a staple part of the diet in some countries but due to the habitual anthropomorphism of dogs in the western world and movies such as 'Beethoven' and 'Yes I'm a dog, get used to it' the general populace finds the idea repulsive. This dog inclusion first came to light when a consumer was eating a frozen shepherds pie and swallowed what he thought to be a particularly fatty piece of minced lamb, a few days later he became overly sensitive to high pitched noises and after amputating his stomach doctors found the 'fat' was in fact an intact dog ear. Several other reports of similarly grisly findings were also reported including a dogs testicle in a pack of gob-stoppers and a severed paw inside a kinder surprise.
The farm which allegedly sold the misappropriated dog bits was subsequently heavily raided with guns and it found an entire herd of livestock was nothing more than an assortment of black and white dogs crudely taped together. In order to deter any further copycat dog charlatanism the Food standards authority (FSA) is imposing swift and decisive punishments on offenders.
In the dog farms case they intend to kick the barn door in and destroy all but one of their combine harvesters in controlled explosions, not allowing them to buy replacements until after the harvest. In addition to the machinery destruction the FSA has also issued a blanket ban on the wearing of any type of hat within the farms boundaries for a period no less than 17 months. The use of blankets throughout winter is permitted provided they are not cleverly folded and worn around the cranial region.