Scotland Yard has launched its biggest campaign yet to protect the quality of British people's sex lives.
It is now believed that as much as 40 per cent of all orgasms in Britain at any given time are faked, said Detective Inspector Stephen Roberts, who is in charge of the squad dedicated to combatting the epidemic. "Sometimes they sound convincingly close to the real thing", he said, "and it could be someone close to you who's doing it, the last person you'd suspect".
There has been great co-operation from the public in detecting the fraud. "We've had tip-offs from thousands of people up and down the country with information about this sort of activity", said DI Roberts, "Just yesterday, we made a swoop following a call from a lady in Tyneside with very thin walls who suspected the sounds coming from the woman next door every night just weren't that convincing - and she was right. It turned out the culprit was turning out fakes on an industrial scale for years"