Arrangements for the funeral of Baroness Thatcher have been opened up to competitive tender under new government procurement rules and the contract has gone to ‘Brass Neck’ – a ‘state-of-the-art’ consortium headed by Simon Cowell and Lord Archer in association with QVC. The fully privatised funeral, jointly sponsored by Bet365 and Poundland, will now be hosted by Piers Morgan from within the roofless shell of Battersea Power Station. Exclusive Live Broadcasting rights have been purchased by Sky and Fox News. Music for the ceremony has been chosen by Ozzy Osbourne and recorded in advance by the Dagenham Girl Pipers. Before the closing fireworks, the Prime Minister, David Cameron, will read extracts from Archer’s masterpiece ‘The Eleventh Commandment’.
Full Ruritanian military ‘honours’ will be perilously enacted by Cirque du Soleil with choreography and randomised security by G4S. The cortege, provided by Virgin Trains in association with Hertz Van Rental, will be met at the gates to the site by Cecil Parkinson, David Mellor, John Major, Edwina Currie and eleven Chelsea footballers sporting their ‘playing-away’ strip. The start of the ceremony has been rescheduled to 16.00 BST to coincide with prime time Breakfast News in California.
Tickets range from 1,000 guineas (front row, celebrity recliners with photo opportunities and mini-bar) to 250 guineas per deck chair elsewhere. A limited number of standing room only tickets are available at £99.99 (restricted view). All tickets are cash only, no cards, no cheques. Pay at the gate, first come, first served.