Victim of multiple romance scams speaks out
‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off. ‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I reall
I'm Prime Minister and I'm OK
Burn'em I'm Prime Minister and I'm OK I sleep all night, and I shirk all day Cabinet Choir He's the Prime Minister and he's OK He sleeps all night and he shirks all day Burn'em I cut down policies, I eat my lunch Go on the metro bus On Fridays I go t'Manchester And buy buttered scones for us Cabinet Choir He cuts down policies, he eats his lunch He goes on the metro bus On Fridays he goes t'Manchester And buys buttered scones for us He's Prime Minister and he's OK He sleeps a
Burnham to try ‘a bit of WD-40’ on the Civil Service
Three months into his Work Experience placement as Prime Minister, Andy Burnham ‘s next move will be ‘a squirt of WD-40’ into various branches of the Civil Service. ‘It takes ages to get anything done in government’, a spokesman said. ‘WD-40 works on rusty hinges and creaking gates, maybe it could streamline the legislative process. Got to be worth a try’. Burnham’s flagship economic policy - nationalising pork scratchings – has proved frustrating. The National Pork Scratchin
Trump takes "utterly disgusting" as a compliment
"The President is a deeply disagreeable person," said a White House spokes-cockroach, "and he is more used to receiving outraged abuse than compliments. That's why he is so very grateful to the editor of the Wall Street Journal for his affectionate words. "During the visit of Chinese leader Xi Jinping, President Trump had shown him a picture of an autopen and told Xi it was Joe Biden. The two then laughed. "When the President read the next day in the Wall Street Journal that
Piers Morgan is not Hitler
Earl Spencer has taken responsibility for some minor errors in his new book, and has apologised to those affected. He admits that he incorrectly identified media star and all-round good guy, Piers Morgan, as the founder and ruler of the Mongol Empire and agrees that he did not lead a ruthless army famous for advanced horsemanship and battle skills. Nor did he conquer vast territories stretching as far as China or cause massive destruction and the deaths of millions. These in
Pope warns of the dangers of AI
Leo XIV has spoken out about the dangers of believing in an omnipresent oracle that lives in a cloud. He says it is unreasonable to expect to be able to ask any question directly, and receive an immediate answer. He is worried about people turning to an unseen entity for life advice, comfort, and ethical direction pointing out AI relies entirely on humans for its power, maintenance, and architecture, unlike the church. Predictions about the death of humanity, and the end of t
Government to use boarding schools as prisons
The government has announced plans to turn recently closed boarding schools into prisons. A Ministry of Justice spokesman said “Following the introduction of VAT on private school fees last year, several boarding schools have been forced to close down and they make ideal prisons. Both feature drafty, old Victorian buildings, bars over the windows, brutal sanitation and mandatory exercise. You are strictly not allowed to leave, and you must wear a distinctive uniform that make
Trump claims that fake knees are a threat to democracy
Knee replacement surgery in the United States is to be controlled by the White House in order to control the proliferation of fake knees. From now on, only knees approved by President Trump will be permitted. Any other knees are considered by the President to be dangerous to the American way of life. A White House statement explains that the knees approved by President Trump will be great knees, better knees than anyone thought possible, possibly the best knees of all time. T
A moment of calm for the American media
President Trump is complaining about the media walkout on his social media accounts. But he cannot be seen bitching and whinging on mainstream media after a boycott by the White House press corps. MS Now led their morning news bulletin with a story about a cat stuck up a tree. Politico went with a special report on the elections in Germany. And CNN highlighted a Dakota man with an interesting collection of cutlery. A CNN spokesman said, 'We are fully in favour of free speech
Teenagers to be offered new vocational GCSE in forelock tugging
The UK has given up education and will now focus on menial low-wage jobs, with students studying Advance Button Pressing and certificates in Lid Removal Technologies. Boasted one student, ‘Last month I mastered yoghurt pots and marker pens, and if I pass my exam I might be allowed to put them back on again.’ Colleges will have an array of bespoke vocational experiences, including a Diploma in Queue Observation, an Award in Chair Alignment and a Level 2 Beverage Transportation
