“I have finally brought you the Thatcher Spring,” God told a conference of meteorologists yesterday. “I believe she brought people together, made things better, increased global happiness, espoused tolerance and helped the needy, and to prove it, the weather will take a much awaited upturn on Wednesday. You should see sunshine, higher temperatures, fewer clouds and golden uplands bright with Conservative promise by Tuesday,” the Almighty declared in the unlikely setting of a conference centre in Chelmsford. “I always wanted to be a weather person, do you think it would surprise viewers if I did the forecast on Tuesday night?” he asked the assembled weathermen and women.
“We were quite surprised to see God talking about the weather,” said Lucy Smitherst, deputy chief meteorologist. “ But our forecast does show he seems to be right, with temperatures mild and improving, and without the excess heat that has intensified political tensions in the past.”
God admitted he usually adjusts weather conditions on a more biblical scale, with floods, thunder, frogs and deluge his favourite ways of indicating his views. “This time I’m going for subtlety,” God chuckled. “Mrs Thatcher brought more sunshine than Eric and Ernie, so just to show I totally endorse her every political action, and to bring humankind together for a special, special day, expect temperatures in the early twenties, light winds, sunshine throughout Wednesday and birds singing in a sycamore tree. ”