Rotund humans were last night breathing heavy – heavier than usual – when a new report claimed that being obese might lead to health complications.
A disbelieving Tommy Carlson, who had his wife read him the story after discovering the newspaper was several feet away, said, ‘It came as a great shock, you try to lead your life in the right way, eating from each major food group, McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, Subway and Diet Coke. It would be a real kick in the balls if anyone could actually find.’
After recovering from the excursion of reading aloud Tommy’s wife Sandra added, ‘I’ve tried eating right, I was eating a salad every day but the doctor said that McDonalds salads had even more calories than the burgers so I should try something else but the Big Macs didn’t help either.’
The real victims in this will be, of course, hospital beds, straining under the monumental weight of this epidemic. Hospital bed sympathiser Dominic Fry cried, ‘Who will care for the beds? Fat people made the choice to be fat but hospital beds did not chose to be beds, they are created that way. They had no say in the matter whatsoever because they are not living things. They could have been sports cars or a lawn chair for an attractive actress or model. Instead, their elements were liquefied and melded in to the shape of a fat guy depository. How is that fair?’
On the heels of the report, many have called on the government to introduce a law forcing self-inflicted obese illness’s to be paid for by the individual. A Downing Street spokesperson scoffed at the suggestion, ‘We live in a fair land and everyone must be treated as equals. It is not the policy of this government to discriminate against the hilariously shaped, rather we must work together to ensure every one, whether they be fatties, smokers, alchos or veterans, are forced to pay.’