Had another go:
Scrapyards across the UK have been put on alert after the body of Margaret Thatcher was stolen last night from the secret location where it was being held.
Police believe the theft is the work of an Eastern European gang whose imperfect knowledge of English led to them being carried away by the hyperbole about the "Iron Lady".
Even hardened metal thieves have been shocked by this brazen and heartless crime. Ex-convict Lenny Ryan, who has convictions for stealing four miles of copper cable, said "I'm appalled at this - I know I've done some metal thieving in my time, but I was always taught respect for the dead. Anyway, everyone in England knows that iron is way down these days - you need to go for either lead or copper in today's market. It has to be foreigners that did it".
"It's easy to see how this could happen", says Detective Inspector Dean Morgan, who is investigating the case, "with nothing but the 'Iron Lady' in the papers for the last three days. She could well be lying in a scrapyard now, squashed between two Ford Cortinas".
The former NUM leader Arthur Scargill has described the crime as "an all too apt memorial to the Prime Minister who did more than anyone to impoverish Britain's working class. And the bitter truth is, the hard-up person who stole her will get little or nothing out of it - they'll be lucky to come away with a tooth-filling after all that trouble".
The incident has drawn attention to the subject of the almost forgotten crime of body-snatching. "The most notorious body-snatchers in the past stole for medical schools", says Peter Lane, Lecturer in History at Birkbeck College. "The theft of a corpse prompted by a language error is something new. It's a reflection of 21st-century multicultural Britain, where a misinterpreted metaphor can wreak havoc with someone's funeral arrangements ".
Meanwhile, the Daily Mail has is offering a £10000 reward for the return of Baroness Thatcher's remains. It has urged anyone with knowledge of the crime to come forward before the body is harmed or defiled, and has emphasised Baroness Thatcher's utter lack of posthumous value.
"As a confidant of the late Baroness Thatcher, I can categorically say that she contains no metal of any kind - she never even had a hip replacement", said David Dacre in a signed editorial, in which he also demanded that fluency in English be required of all immigrants.