The world's best ever football team were struggling last night as unfancied Paris Sans Germans led 1-0 with only a few minutes to go. But despite reports of a serious injury, Messi aka Messiah or Margaret in English, rose from the cold bench to inspire them to victory with a thrilling dribble, one two and, against all predictions, turn in the box which led to the winning goal.
"You cadaver in any team" said the Barcelona manager, Pepsi Gorgonzola, "she ghosted through the defence and all you could catch was the faintest whiff of lavender." PSG manager Carlos Handballalotty was equally gushing in his admiration, "We were crusing somewhere near the 200 mile exclusion zone" he said "and we never knew what hit us. It was like an iron bar filled handbag out of the true blue sky."
Davdi Milliband has torn up the Barcelona FC poster on his bedroom wall in protest.