The Daily Mail has warned its readers of the potential threat to humanity posed by a new wave of supernanomaterials released into the public domain by scientists this week. Purportedly the lightest material known to man, large pieces of supernanomaterial have already been photographed indulging in 'human-like activities'.
Planking, the act of photographing oneself lying across random objects and in strange locations before sharing the evidence on social networking sites has, says the Daily Mail, already been mastered by the new supernanomaterial, which has been caught on film balancing on dandelion clocks and even the fine hairs of a perennial grass.
'This is extremely worrying', writes the Daily Mail's science correspondent. 'The supernanomaterials have already learned to plank better than we can and with less effort. How long will it be before they have filled all our available housing and taken our jobs?'
Health concerns have also arisen. 'The psychological angst of having to complete in a world populated with carbon-based supernanomaterials will be too much for some people', claims the Daily Mail's official homeopath, Duncan Smalls. 'Fortunately, we already have a cure. Our own supernanomaterial can barely even be seen by the naked eye, but can completely reverse the mentality of those affected by the threat of other supernanomaterials.
The Government has issued a statement of confidence in the new materials. 'The scientists have assured us that their new supernanomaterial does not have the capability to reproduce the actions of, or replace, human people.' A Conservative spokesman agreed; 'It just doesn't have any weight to lend to anything, and is therefore completely harmless. Essentially, unless you are an oil-spill absorbent or a Lib Dem, you have nothing to worry about.'